Not Okay
by GL21
Summary: She knew what she was requesting was obscene, ridiculous, childish even. But whether she was a walking-ticking time bomb for all men that came near her, right now in this moment, she needed to hear it. And he knew he couldn't promise her something like that, but he did it anyway, because he knew he would fight to hell and back just to stay here forever with her.


**_I just really needed to write something after Thursday's heartbreaking episode. I didn't know what to say about it or how to feel, so I wrote. Hence this very long one-shot. It bounces between both of their perspectives, starting with Owen._**

_"Derek is dead_._"_

Truth be told, he wasn't even sure how he had gotten to this part of the hospital, he wasn't sure if his feet had actually carried him here or if he had just kind of floated. He had heard the words come out of her mouth and had watched Meredith try not tor crumble in front of him as she told him. He had seen Alex Karev come in and watched as he got Meredith to sit down in one of the conference room chairs. He remembered exchanging glances with Karev, with a mutual understanding that he needed to be the one to go find Amelia.

But he wasn't sure how they had gotten here. Yesterday he called them a plane crash and watched as she fiercely protected herself and her feelings from the situation and bolted from both him and the on-call room. He regretted saying that with every ounce of him. He knew they weren't a plane crash. Sure they were a risk with how much they've both been through, but that was also the thing that had brought them together in the first place. And today he was going to have to be the one to tell her that her brother was dead. He could feel his throat tighten in sadness at the thought. He liked Derek, liked him a lot and when had been with Cristina, the two of them had spent a lot of time together.

He approached the door of OR 3 where he knew she was scrubbing out of a routine craniotomy; she had gone right from a multi-hour surgery with Kepner and Bailey into this one. She had not even an inkling to everything that had happened in the last few hours. He watched as scrubs nurses and an intern filed out with the unconscious patient and stood outside the door waiting for her to come out.

How was he supposed to do this? Maybe if this weren't Amelia… this would somehow be easier. Maybe if he were telling someone that hadn't experienced as much grief as she had, it wouldn't be making him feel sick to his stomach. Maybe if he didn't know how many times she had experienced this feeling, a feeling he too had felt before. Like the floor had been pulled out from underneath you and you were just swirling and swirling and tumbling into this black hole that you didn't think you would be able to get yourself out of. Maybe if he didn't love her.

He was pulled from his own thoughts as he heard the creak of the door and watched as she quickly exited, almost knocking into him. Her eyes went wide and her arms went out to stop herself from plowing him down.

"Chief." she said awkwardly. "Is there any particular reason you're hounding by the door of my OR."

Her tone was guarded and professional and he saw her avoid eye contact as she waited for an explanation from him.

"Amelia…"

"Look Owen I get. We don't have to do this whole pretend we'll be friends thing, because you and I both know that's crap. We don't have to talk about it. You said it; we're just a plane crash. We would destroy anything in our path."

"Amelia…" he tried again more forcefully to try and get her attention.

"Look I have patients that I need to check on. It's a big hospital; we should just avoid each other for a while." she said as she went to walk away.

"Amelia."

And that's the moment when she really looked at him, noticed how he was clenching his hands nervously, saw the glassy look in his eyes and felt her mouth go dry. She didn't know Owen well, but she knew that like her it took a lot for him to openly display his emotions.

"What's wrong?" she said as she locked eyes with him. "What happened?"

"There was an accident. Amelia I..." he started to say as he walked forward before he was interrupted by her again.

"It was my mom wasn't it? One of my sisters called a few months ago when I got here and said she had gotten into a fender bender while driving around. They thought it might time for her to drive less. Does Derek know? Did someone call him in DC? I should call him. She's okay though right? Who called? It was Lizzie wasn't it?" she babbled nervously.

She quickly pulled her phone from her scrub pants before she felt Owen gently grab her arm and get her to look at him again. She met his gaze and realized that she was wrong. He wouldn't look like this if was her mother, he had only apparently met her mother once before. She knew he was a caring man, but he wouldn't look this.

"It's not her is it?" she asked in an almost inaudible tone. She watched as he shook his head sadly.

"Amelia. Derek was in an accident."

He watched as he face visibly paled and he reached out to grasp her forearm, afraid that she might fall if he didn't. He felt her fingers grip his hand back as she continued to look at him, her eyes wide and quickly filling with tears. She reached for her scrub cap and quickly pulled it off.

"Did they bring him here?" she asked fearfully. "Has he been admitted? Did he have any spinal injuries? Who's running his tests? They need to do a CT scan first." she said in quick breaths.

He looked at her sadly as she watched the doctor in her try to quickly assess the news she had been given. He knew that she was trying every possibility to shut out the idea of the news he was trying to give her.

"Amelia I'm so sorry."

She let out something that was mixed between a strangled breath and a cry, he felt her grip his arm tighter. He watched as other doctors nearby started to stare and he was reminded by just how nosy and inconsiderate people could be in the worst situations. He wanted to get her out of here before she lost it completely.

"Come on let me get you out of here." he whispered as he went to move.

He watched her shake her head as she stood with her feet firmly planted. She dropped her hand from where it had been firmly grasped against his and furiously swiped at the tears that threatened to fall. She sniffed and let out a small sigh as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, attempting yet failing to pull herself together.

"Where is Mere?" she asked, her voice trying to sound steady.

"She's in the conference room on four, Karev is with her though. Amelia, I really think you need to go somewhere but here. I'll go with you." he offered to her as he tried to reach back out to her.

She shook her head and moved so his hand couldn't touch her. He should have expected this, her shutting him out. It's not like they were on good terms at the moment. But he couldn't not be there for her during something like this. But he would wait, and give her time and space, as much as he hated the idea. If that's what she needed, he'd give it to her.

"I need to go be with Mere…. And see if she wants me to call my mom." she said as her voice shook at the mention of her mother. "And my sisters. I need to…." she said as she pinched the bridge of her nose as if it would be a mechanism to stop her emotions from flooding out of her.

"I'm fine."

He nodded at her statement, even though he knew she was anything but. He hated how she was trying to be brave and strong when he knew she was feeling anything but fine at this moment. He watched as she quickly took off in the opposite direction in search of Meredith, partially wishing he had the balls to trail her. But he didn't, he knew he didn't have the right to. So he let her go, knowing that she was anything but fine.

She wasn't sure why she was standing here, on his wooden porch, in the drizzle of the rain that was starting to pick up into a full-fledged storm, an echo of the current events of today.

They weren't together. Every man she comes even remotely close with ends up dying. Except James. But she's fairly certain if she had stayed around him long enough that she would've poisoned him. But for whatever stupid, poisonous reason, she was here. She knocked sharply on the metal door over the loud roar of thunder that crackled above her.

The door opened within seconds and there he stood. Her eyes met his and she saw his visibly soften as he took in her disheveled appearance. Upon finding Meredith, they had shared some unspoken grief. They didn't hug, or cry together, they just stood in the conference room both of them starting at their hands except for the few moments when they had looked at each other.

She had called her mother, her mother who had already had to bury the love of her life and now had the burden of burying a child. Meredith had volunteered to call Lizzie, something she was grateful for. She didn't need to be analyzed or berated by her sister right now. Lizzie had offered to call the others. She had followed Alex who was driving Meredith's car, back to the house where they were met with Maggie upon arrival. She had quickly gone to her room and thrown on an old sweatshirt and loose leggings that been stretched out from wear. She had seen Meredith nearly collapse on the couch, Alex sitting next to her, and she knew it would be unlikely that she would be moving anytime soon. Maggie had offered to get the kids ready for bed, both Bailey and Zola having fallen asleep in the car.

She had checked on them, right as Maggie had finished changing them both, and had smoothed Bailey's soft hair back and tucked Zola's blanket a little tighter around her. She unfortunately knew what it was like to loose a father at such a young age. She wished more than anything that her niece and nephew didn't have to go through something like this. Staring at these two innocent children, her dead brother's children, had suddenly made the whole thing seem all the more real.

Which is how she had ended up here, getting drenched in what had turned into a furious storm with Owen's grey-green eyes staring at her.

"I don't know why I'm here." she said as she uncomfortably pulled at the sweatshirt that was now sticking to her skin. "I just needed to get out of there and I…. I didn't know where else to go that didn't involve a bar."

He nodded, knowing better to not say anything and ushered her in quickly to prevent her from getting anymore soaked, shutting the door behind them. He walked further into the trailer, as she stood at the door.

"I'm sorry for just showing up." she said as she apologized again. "I shouldn't have..." she started to say before Owen quickly interrupted her.

"Amelia. I'm glad that you came. I'm glad you came here instead of going somewhere else."

She nodded as he gently placed his hand on her shoulder.

"You shouldn't be wearing that wet sweatshirt. Why don't you go get warmed up? The hot water was been very reliable lately." he said with as much as an amusing tone as he could.

He was bad at this. He knew every ounce of her was hurting, Hell. He was hurting. Derek Shepherd was really the first friend he made here, really the only one that he gotten really close to besides Cristina and more recently Callie. He watched her nod, agreeing to his terms. He quickly moved and reached for a tee shirt, one that comfortably fit him but he knew would be too big on her, and handed it to her.

"You should eat something I know you haven't eaten since..." he started to say but realized it would come out as "before Derek died."

"Since before your two surgeries. They were back to back." he said recovering quickly, noting that she was so zoned out that she hadn't even remotely almost caught his slip.

"Owen you don't have to do this. I'm okay, really." she said as she quickly removed her soaked sweatshirt and threw it over seat near the small table, her tank top clinging to her now goose bump covered frame.

I know you're fine." he said giving into her charade. He knew it would be best to just go along with what she was claiming to be rather then forcing her into feeling one way. "But personally I haven't eaten a lot today and we could both use something in our stomachs. Nothing crazy, just eggs and toast."

She sighed a little and nodded again knowing she would lose this battle and walked into the tight quartered bathroom, shutting the folding door behind her.

Once he was satisfied that she wasn't coming out in the next few seconds, he went to work grabbing the eggs and a frying pan and popping two pieces of bread into the toaster. He quickly beat the eggs before sliding them into the pan, occasionally moving them around in the pan to get them to cook, until they were done. By the time he has grabbed the toast and plated the eggs, he heard the creak of the door open and Amelia emerged with her short hair, now fully wet after having been washed, engulfed in his old shirt.

He held the plate out to her, half expecting her to refuse it, but surprisingly she took the plate and went and stood leaning against the counter. Owen stood opposite her leaning against the opposite side. He watched her munch on the toast for a few moments before she put it down and made her way over to the edge of the bed where she sat down. She sat, blankly staring at her hands, long enough to the point that Owen was about to say something, before she suddenly spoke.

"I wanted to stay there tonight. Be there for Mere. Help her with Zola and Bailey. But Alex was there and Maggie was taking care of the kids and I just looked at Zola…. and it sounds really selfish…" she said as she swiped at the few stray tears she felt slipping from her eyes, still trying to remain composed but unraveling by the second.

"But all I could see was me. And I know it's not me, it's not my dad. But it's Derek. He's my big brother. Was. Was my big brother."

Owen looked at her, sadness evident in his own face at how much she was hurting, yet how much she was trying to hide her o pain. Yes, Meredith, Zola and Bailey lost someone monumentally important to them today. A husband, a father. But so did she and it was killing him to watch her shove her own emotions father and farther down and attempt be strong for everyone else.

"Amelia he will always be your brother. That's never going to change." he said, knowing it wouldn't help.

"If this kind of thing is even supposed to happen to people, it wasn't supposed to be Derek and it wasn't supposed to happen to Meredith, Zola and Bailey. They…. How are they going to be okay?" she questioned angrily, gesturing angrily towards the sky. "What kind of God does this?"

Owen stood in silence at a loss on what to say. He didn't know what kind of God did this or why stuff like this even happened. He questioned almost everyday why people had heart attacks, why planes went down unexpectedly or how a roadside bomb can take down thousands of people in under thirty seconds.

They stood like that for what felt like an eternity, Amelia staring at her feet, gripping her arms so tightly, there was sure to be a mark there later. He had resorted to staring at the carpeted floor.

"Owen?"

He looked up at her hearing the shake in her voice and was met with her cloudy blue eyes. He suddenly realized how small she was, not literally, but figuratively. She had been through so much and she had barely gone through half of her life yet.

"I'm not okay."

Quickly after the words left her mouth she let out a gasping sob and that was when he couldn't take it anymore. Let her push him away, let her try and go through this alone if that's what she wanted. But he would be damned if he stood there for another second and watched her crumble. He quickly moved to sit next to her wrapping his arms around her, semi–expecting her to push him away or yell, but she didn't. She practically melted into his chest, wrapping her arms around his torso, clawing at his shirt, trying to get him any closer then they already were.

He sat there holding her, as she let out a few guttural sobs, sounds he was certain he never wanted to hear out of her ever again. Sounds he planned on preventing with all of his strength from ever having to leave her mouth ever again. He didn't tell her it was going to be okay, he didn't try and quiet her. He was just there.

After a few minutes, when her breathing became labored breaths, she pulled away from his chest and looked at him, tears still streaming down her face. She felt herself take a struggling breath, closing her eyes, trying to calm herself down, her body feeling like it was overpowering her. She felt him move his face down and she leaned against his forehead in emotional exhaustion. She felt him sigh against her, perhaps too in both exhaustion and sadness.

"Promise me you won't die. Promise me that you won't leave me."

She knew what she was requesting was obscene, ridiculous, childish even. But whether she was a walking-ticking time bomb for all men that came near her, right now in this moment, she needed to hear it. And he knew he couldn't promise her something like that, but he did it anyway, because he knew he would fight to hell and back just to stay here forever with her, to never allow her to feel this kind of pain again.

"I'm not going anywhere."

_Hoping this brought someone out there some clarity before Thursday. We'll miss you McDreamy. Please let me know what you thought, reviews and feedback are welcomed and appreciated._


End file.
